


WHY. WON'T. YOU. DIE!?!

by BentleyBrot5



Category: South Park
Genre: Dark, F/M, Kendy, Parody, die - Freeform, kenny x wendy, kill, south park - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29169186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BentleyBrot5/pseuds/BentleyBrot5
Summary: Wendy breaks up with Stan and begins dating Kenny. Stan doesn't take it well and decides to take care of this problem himself.
Relationships: Kenny McCormick/Wendy Testaburger
Kudos: 3





	WHY. WON'T. YOU. DIE!?!

_Okay, so before anyone gets pissed about this one being mean-spirited, I feel I should mention this is more a parody than a serious story. I just had the idea and thought it would be fun to write... In my defense, I have a lot of problems xD_

* * *

**Disclaimer: I didn't kill anyone by writing this. Wait, where'd Kenny go? O.O**

* * *

The boy in the red poofball hat, Stan Marsh, was losing his fucking mind at this point. Not only did Wendy break up with him (apparently, because he hangs out with _the other boys_ too much), but she also started dating his best friend - No, _former_ best friend because that's unforgivable - Kenny McCormick, the boy in the orange coat (apparently, because he at least hangs out with all the girls while watching them play volleyball, including Wendy?). Stan couldn't take it. He was actually convinced his head would explode because of this.

Luckily, Stan had an idea to take care of the problem _himself._

One day, Kenny was waiting for a bus to take him to Wendy's house, as it would be a much faster trip, and he was lucky enough to find a pack of bus tokens at school. Little did he know, the bus tokens were left there by Stan, as they were all a part of his plan. Kenny stood nearby the bus stop, watching as the bus got close. Stan crawled out of a bush nearby and crept up towards Kenny slowly. Kenny reached inside his parka pocket to pull out the bus tokens, but suddenly felt force applied against his back. He fell forward and was run over by the bus, which didn't stop because the bus driver confused the gas pedal with the brakes.

Stan began to laugh maniacally before he slowly backed up into the bushes. He would talk to Wendy tomorrow to apologize, promise to hang out with her more, and then ask her out again.

That plan turned out to all be for nothing though because the very next day, at South Park Elementary School, he saw Wendy and Kenny holding hands as they headed to Mr. Garrison's class.

 _What the fuck!? But I saw him die! _Stan thought. He grew furious, but then calmed down and decided he would handle things tonight.

That night, he climbed into Kenny's room, carrying a pillow. He heard the muffled variation of loud snoring. Probably one of the _benefits_ of what he says being difficult to actually here. Stan held the pillow over Kenny's face. Kenny woke up, his arms beginning to flail around, until at one point, he stopped moving. Stan still held the pillow over his former friend's face for a good two minutes and then checked his pulse just to be on the same side. Good. No pulse at all. Stan then climbed out of the window. He would talk to Wendy tomorrow.

The next day, however, he was even more angry, because he entered Mr. Garrison's class and saw Wendy hugging Kenny before class began. His face was literally turning red with steam coming out his ears. He had never been more frustrated in his entire life.

That night, Kenny and Wendy went out on a date at Buca Di Faggoncini. Kenny stood up because he had to use the bathroom. On his way, he was pulled into the kitchen by Stan who was wearing a chef's hat and had his throat slit. Stan climbed out the window, and because of the chef's hat Stan was wearing, Officer Barbrady ended up arresting the chef at the restaurant because he's a fucking idiot. Stan's plan was a success, and maybe Wendy would not even be crying when he talked to her tomorrow due to her learning of her boyfriend's death the _previous_ day rather than that day.

The next morning, Stan was about ready to choke Kenny to death right in front of everyone, right then and there because the bastard was actually _still_ alive! He saw him making out with Wendy in front of the school.

Stan had it at this point. The next day, he would end this.

Stan walked into school the following day, right up to Kenny.

"(Oh, hey, St-),"

Kenny's words may have been muffled and difficult to understand, but they were never finished being uttered as Stan pulled out one of the revolvers his irresponsible Uncle Jimbo gave him every one of his birthdays since the day he was born, yelled " **IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!** ", shot Kenny in the head and then turned the revolver on himself and shot himself in the head because it was too much for him at this point.

Stan opened his eyes in his room, thinking he was in Hell at first. He then noticed he was in his room. He shrieked loudly.

While Stan was busy suffering from the old _"you can't kill me. I'm one of the main characters!"_ cliches, Kenny and Wendy lived happily ever after.


End file.
